Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 p.m..
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Venus and Mars
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". It is offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado as an actual class assignment:
A Creative Writing professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to his or her desk.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca (PINK)
Bill (BLUE).
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Bill )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
( Bill )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Bill )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no,
what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A$$h@le.
( Bill )
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
( Bill )
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
What's Good For You
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re drenched in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Savvy in one hand – chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians and French drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Being American is apparently what kills you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Never Argue with a Woman Who Reads
One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What
are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and
write you up.”
“For reading a book,” she replies.
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her
again.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and
write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
Friday, March 13, 2009
A Scottish joke
So ... a man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim, bespectacled librarian "Ah ‘cuse me ma’am, do you have any books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
Monday, March 9, 2009
Dear Employee
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management
PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the TPray That You Don't Get this Letter at Work...
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management
PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience
_________________________________
WARNING: Contains Language that may offend people who have never worked for Joel Klein, Esq.'s New York City Dept of Education, a 19 Billion dollar conglomerate that has treated NYC teachers, its own employees, so obscenely for so long that mere four letter words are the least of their problems.unnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience
_________________________________
WARNING: Contains Language that may offend people who have never worked for Joel Klein, Esq.'s New York City Dept of Education, a 19 Billion dollar conglomerate that has treated NYC teachers, its own employees, so obscenely for so long that mere four letter words are the least of their problems.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management
PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the TPray That You Don't Get this Letter at Work...
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Management
PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience
_________________________________
WARNING: Contains Language that may offend people who have never worked for Joel Klein, Esq.'s New York City Dept of Education, a 19 Billion dollar conglomerate that has treated NYC teachers, its own employees, so obscenely for so long that mere four letter words are the least of their problems.unnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience
_________________________________
WARNING: Contains Language that may offend people who have never worked for Joel Klein, Esq.'s New York City Dept of Education, a 19 Billion dollar conglomerate that has treated NYC teachers, its own employees, so obscenely for so long that mere four letter words are the least of their problems.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Home Depot Scam...
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look...
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'NO' and instead ask you
for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming
weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!
P:S: ~~Walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each,~~I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.
I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look...
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'NO' and instead ask you
for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming
weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!
P:S: ~~Walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each,~~I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.
I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
K I D S A R E Q U I C K
K I D S A R E Q U I C K
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Why are you late Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, 'School ahead. Go slow.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your multiplication
on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell 'crocodile?'
GREG: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No Greg, that's incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it's incorrect, but you asked me how 'I' spelled it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Hunter, name one important thing that we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: Me !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it's because I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth.....Always say 'I am'.....not 'I is'.
BETH: All right.........'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
ALEX: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY: No Mam, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Letters to God from Kids
Dear God:
I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -- Eugene
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?--- Norma
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? -- Jane
Who draws the lines around the countries? -- Nancy
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? --Neil
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -- Joyce
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. -- Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am).
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. -- Bruce
If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -- Denise
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -- Sam
I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying. -- Elliott
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. -- Nan
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. --Rob
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They are just kidding, aren’t they? -- Marsha
If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. -- Mickey
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -- Sincerely, Donna
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. -- Charles
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -- Eddie
I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -- Eugene
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?--- Norma
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? -- Jane
Who draws the lines around the countries? -- Nancy
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? --Neil
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -- Joyce
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. -- Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am).
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. -- Bruce
If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -- Denise
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -- Sam
I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying. -- Elliott
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. -- Nan
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. --Rob
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They are just kidding, aren’t they? -- Marsha
If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. -- Mickey
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -- Sincerely, Donna
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. -- Charles
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -- Eddie
From The Mind of Steven Wright
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
More Sayings
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
--Mariah Carey
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
--Mariah Carey
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
SEEN ON TEE-SHIRTS AND BUMPER STICKERS
“Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” - (seen on an 8 year old)
“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
“Procrastinate Now”
“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?”
“If a woman’s place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!”
“ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING”
“STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
“They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”
“POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.”
“HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
“A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory.”
“HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!”
“The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
“MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
“Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”
Too Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
Remain.com
(On a passing motorcyclist): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
EdN: Jan 2000
“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” - (seen on an 8 year old)
“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
“Procrastinate Now”
“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?”
“If a woman’s place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!”
“ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING”
“STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
“They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”
“POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.”
“HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
“A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory.”
“HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!”
“The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
“MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
“Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”
Too Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
Remain.com
(On a passing motorcyclist): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
EdN: Jan 2000
Old Math. vs. New Math
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Oxymorons
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Reagan's Memoirs
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Giant shrimp
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Reagan's Memoirs
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Giant shrimp
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
Friday, February 15, 2008
ALERT FOR WOMEN!
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well!
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a year ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary ~ my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world: wake up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again ~ was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Let's see someone try and take them.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a year ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary ~ my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world: wake up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again ~ was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Let's see someone try and take them.
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