What's Good For You

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re drenched in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Savvy in one hand – chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and

screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians and French drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Being American is apparently what kills you.

Never Argue with a Woman Who Reads

One morning the husband returns after several hours of

fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar

with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She

motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up

alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What

are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that

obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you

could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and

write you up.”

“For reading a book,” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her

again.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you

could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and

write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual

assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I

know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

A Scottish joke

So ... a man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim, bespectacled librarian "Ah ‘cuse me ma’am, do you have any books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Dear Employee

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Management

PS


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the TPray That You Don't Get this Letter at Work...
Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Management

PS


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience



_________________________________
WARNING: Contains Language that may offend people who have never worked for Joel Klein, Esq.'s New York City Dept of Education, a 19 Billion dollar conglomerate that has treated NYC teachers, its own employees, so obscenely for so long that mere four letter words are the least of their problems.unnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience



_________________________________
WARNING: Contains Language that may offend people who have never worked for Joel Klein, Esq.'s New York City Dept of Education, a 19 Billion dollar conglomerate that has treated NYC teachers, its own employees, so obscenely for so long that mere four letter words are the least of their problems.

Home Depot Scam...

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look...

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'NO' and instead ask you
for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming
weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful!

P:S: ~~Walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each,~~I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.

I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot