Thursday, February 21, 2008

Letters to God from Kids

Dear God:

I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -- Eugene
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?--- Norma
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? -- Jane
Who draws the lines around the countries? -- Nancy
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? --Neil
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -- Joyce
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. -- Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am).
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. -- Bruce
If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -- Denise
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -- Sam
I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying. -- Elliott
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. -- Nan
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. --Rob
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They are just kidding, aren’t they? -- Marsha
If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. -- Mickey
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -- Sincerely, Donna
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. -- Charles
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -- Eddie

From The Mind of Steven Wright

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

More Sayings

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
--Mariah Carey

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.


“Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” - (seen on an 8 year old)
“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
“Procrastinate Now”
“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?”
“If a woman’s place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!”
“They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”
“POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.”
“A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory.”
“The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
“Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”
Too Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
(On a passing motorcyclist): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

EdN: Jan 2000

Old Math. vs. New Math

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008


34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Reagan's Memoirs
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Giant shrimp
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works

Friday, February 15, 2008


You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well!
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a year ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary ~ my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world: wake up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again ~ was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Let's see someone try and take them.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Test Prep Puts Male Teachers Fertility at Risk

From the Eggplant:

News you will read nowhere else.


United Press Inc. - In a study of 361 male teachers seen at their infertility clinic, researchers at the Florida United Clinic of Fundamentals (FUCF found an association between the hours males spend leading students in test prep activities and their sperm quality. On average, the more hours the men spent on test prep each day, the lower their sperm count and the greater their percentage of abnormal sperm.

Asked to comment on the study, a spokesperson for the Florida Education Association, affiliated with NEA, AFT AFL-CIO, and other entities that go boing in the night, said that further study is needed.

— staff
Press Release


Sunday, February 10, 2008

A lesson learned from typing the wrong e-mail address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston....a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!
>>Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter.
What seems to be the problem?
>>Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
>>Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
>>Patron: No, it’s still there.
>>Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
>>Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
>>Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
>>Patron: A SOUP bowl!
>>Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
>>Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
>>Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
>>Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
>>Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
>>Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
>>Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
>>Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
>>Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
>>Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
>>Patron: This is potato soup.
>>Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
>>Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
>> Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
>> Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
>> Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

A teacher was working with a group of children

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ‘em out you guys. They’re assholes!”


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.