Tuesday, March 11, 2008
K I D S A R E Q U I C K
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Why are you late Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, 'School ahead. Go slow.'
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your multiplication
on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No Greg, that's incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it's incorrect, but you asked me how 'I' spelled it.
TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
TEACHER: Hunter, name one important thing that we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: Me !
TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it's because I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth.....Always say 'I am'.....not 'I is'.
BETH: All right.........'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
ALEX: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY: No Mam, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -- Eugene
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?--- Norma
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? -- Jane
Who draws the lines around the countries? -- Nancy
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? --Neil
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -- Joyce
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. -- Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am).
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. -- Bruce
If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -- Denise
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -- Sam
I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying. -- Elliott
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. -- Nan
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. --Rob
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They are just kidding, aren’t they? -- Marsha
If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. -- Mickey
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -- Sincerely, Donna
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. -- Charles
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -- Eddie
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” - (seen on an 8 year old)
“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?”
“If a woman’s place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!”
“ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING”
“STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
“They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”
“POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.”
“HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
“A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory.”
“HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!”
“The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
“MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
“Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”
Too Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
(On a passing motorcyclist): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
EdN: Jan 2000
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Reagan's Memoirs
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Giant shrimp
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
Friday, February 15, 2008
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a year ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary ~ my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world: wake up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again ~ was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Let's see someone try and take them.
Monday, February 11, 2008
From the Eggplant: http://susanohanian.org/show_nclb_news.html
News you will read nowhere else.
HEALTH & SCIENCE
United Press Inc. - In a study of 361 male teachers seen at their infertility clinic, researchers at the Florida United Clinic of Fundamentals (FUCF found an association between the hours males spend leading students in test prep activities and their sperm quality. On average, the more hours the men spent on test prep each day, the lower their sperm count and the greater their percentage of abnormal sperm.
Asked to comment on the study, a spokesperson for the Florida Education Association, affiliated with NEA, AFT AFL-CIO, and other entities that go boing in the night, said that further study is needed.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston....a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
>>Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter.
What seems to be the problem?
>>Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
>>Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
>>Patron: No, it’s still there.
>>Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
>>Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
>>Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
>>Patron: A SOUP bowl!
>>Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
>>Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
>>Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
>>Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
>>Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
>>Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
>>Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
>>Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
>>Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
>>Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
>>Patron: This is potato soup.
>>Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
>>Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
>> Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
>> Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
>> Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ‘em out you guys. They’re assholes!”
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF Which, is four."
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh_t! A talking chicken!'"
Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@OCDSB.edu.on.ca or Elvis-the-King@OCDSB.edu.on.ca
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down
It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking and the time on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
For god's sake, are you listening?
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98/nt/xp environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!
If you don't send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite spontaneously and then: katey, bar the door!
AS ALWAYS, THIS HEREIN ABOVE EPISTLE IS PRINTED WITH ENVIRONMENTALLY SAFE, RECYCLED ELECTRONS!!!!
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT!
Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
I hate to break it to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Plus, lots of upper-cased words. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
We cannot change the direction of the wind...but we can adjust our sails.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?
If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO : The percentage of investors wetting their pants as themarket keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT: an archaic word no longer in use........
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
Ed. Notes Additions
NEW YORK CITY SCHOOL SYSTEM: You have two cows. You must produce a lesson plan on how you plan to milk them. You can’t drink the milk until a supervisor comes and observes you milking the cows. The barn is falling down all around you.
HIGH STAKES TESTING: You have two cows. You give them a reading test. The one that scores below the 50th percentile becomes hamburger.
UFT UNITY CAUCUS: You have two cows. You are issued directions on how to milk them. If you follow directions correctly, you are given an extra job at the union milking more cows. As a reward, you are allowed to visit a NYSUT alpaca farm upstate once a year.
Win fab prizes. Make up your own “cow stories” and submit them to Ed. Notes.
Twenty top candidates will be locked in the Tweed Courthouse for 8 weeks. There are no qualifications other than the fact that they may not have one iota of knowledge or experience with education in any way. They will eat only food prepared in school lunchrooms and must eat at least one Jamaican beef patty a day without taking antacids. Every other day one of them will be voted out based on how well they complete a number of tasks. Ed. Notes spies have obtained a list of these tasks:
Teach SFA (Suckcess for All) to a class.
Pass all teacher certification tests.
Type a memo within one day.
Know what ECLAS stand for.
Teach a class of 35 students for an entire day.
Sit through a faculty conference.
Sit through a full day of staff development.
Teach a class of 15 special ed students. Test them on what is taught. If students fail the test, the candidate is automatically eliminated.
Take a class on a trip.
Sit through 50 minutes of watching staff development videos twice a week. The doors to the roof will be locked during these sessions, as it is expected that at least one or more candidates will attempt suicide.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time, even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletica l ly, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!
3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.
4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game. This will create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind. If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad football players.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they’re cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Oscar Wilde’s supposed last words:
This wall paper is killing me.
One of us has got to go.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
A teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he was assigned to the toughest students in the school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
The strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly.He kept rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh-t.”
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this seems worse than usual.”
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, “Officer, what’s the hold-up?”
The officer replied, “The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. “He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa’ida, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we’re taking up a collection for him.”
The lobbyist asks, “How much have you got so far?”
The officer replies, “About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.”
Do you sometimes nod off in staff conferences and staff development?
What about those long and boring pre and post observation conferences?
Here’s a way to change all of that:
1. Before (or during) your next staff conference or staff development day, prepare your “Bullshit Bingo” card by drawing a square--I find that 5”x 5” is a good size.
Divide the card into columns--five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
staff development, leveled libraries,UFT, professionalism, standardized test scores, revisit, blocked reading/math, genre, 25 books, standards, workshops, learning objective, innovative, observations, strategies and skills, result-driven, goals, knowledge base, supervisors, superintendent, chancellor, student-directed, learning centers, CEP, district goals, instructional plans, evaluation
(feel free to add your own.)
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear a speaker use one of these words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks checked off horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSH_T!”
Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:
“I had been in a faculty meeting for only five minutes when I won.” Jack W., Staten Island
“My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” --David D., Brooklyn
“What a gas! Staff Development will never be the same for me after my first win.”
Bill R., New York City
“The atmosphere was tense in the last faculty meeting as 20 of us waited for the fifth box.”
Ben G., Queens
“We use the Superintendent’s name in our game and people ask questions to try to get the staff developers to invoke the name so they can get their card filled. Everyone is on edge as we wait for the name to be said.What excitement! "
A Brooklyn elementary school teacher.
“The principal was stunned as eight of us shouted ‘BULLSHIT!’ for the third time in 40 minutes. " --Kathleen L.., Bronx
Note: Can be adapted for UFT Delegate Assemblies